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KYMonarchist

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Reply with quote  #1 
This thread is for humourous things that we just think are so damn funny.
We can also cool off our steam when we get angry.

On You Need More Than A Travel Agency, Dude

Man: Is it possible to see England from Canada?

Travel agent: No.

Man: But they look so close on the map.

conversation at a travel agency

This comes from my Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar, which I got last Christmas.



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KYMonarchist

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Reply with quote  #2 
This is the most bizarre ecclesiatical office that ever existed in my opinion.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bishop_of_Condom



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"Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - George Santayana


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Reply with quote  #3 

That is childish rather then humorous, akin to a flatulence joke.

BaronVonServers

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Reply with quote  #4 
Are you implying the KYM is acting like an old wind-bag with a leak?

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Reply with quote  #5 

No, just that his sense of humor is a bit off.



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Reply with quote  #6 

Baron hit the nail on the head.

KYMonarchist

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Reply with quote  #7 
On Excuses, Truly Sick

*My dog swallowed my bus pass.

*I couldn't find my shoes.

*A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging me every time I tried to leave the house to go to my car.

excuses used by employees, calling in sick to their workplace

I got this from my Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar.

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"Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - George Santayana
MonarchistPilot1986

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Reply with quote  #8 
How about this. Shakespeare employs crude humour with with wit in this little soliloquy:



Quote:

When a man's servant shall play the cur with him,
look you, it goes hard: one that I brought up of a
puppy; one that I saved from drowning, when three or
four of his blind brothers and sisters went to it.
I have taught him, even as one would say precisely,
'thus I would teach a dog.' I was sent to deliver
him as a present to Mistress Silvia from my master;
and I came no sooner into the dining-chamber but he
steps me to her trencher and steals her capon's leg:
O, 'tis a foul thing when a cur cannot keep himself
in all companies! I would have, as one should say,
one that takes upon him to be a dog indeed, to be,
as it were, a dog at all things. If I had not had
more wit than he, to take a fault upon me that he did,
I think verily he had been hanged for't; sure as I
live, he had suffered for't; you shall judge. He
thrusts me himself into the company of three or four
gentlemanlike dogs under the duke's table: he had
not been there--bless the mark!--a pissing while, but
all the chamber smelt him. 'Out with the dog!' says
one: 'What cur is that?' says another: 'Whip him
out' says the third: 'Hang him up' says the duke.
I, having been acquainted with the smell before,
knew it was Crab, and goes me to the fellow that
whips the dogs: 'Friend,' quoth I, 'you mean to whip
the dog?' 'Ay, marry, do I,' quoth he. 'You do him
the more wrong,' quoth I; ''twas I did the thing you
wot of.' He makes me no more ado, but whips me out
of the chamber. How many masters would do this for
his servant? Nay, I'll be sworn, I have sat in the
stocks for puddings he hath stolen, otherwise he had
been executed; I have stood on the pillory for geese
he hath killed, otherwise he had suffered for't.
Thou thinkest not of this now. Nay, I remember the
trick you served me when I took my leave of Madam
Silvia: did not I bid thee still mark me and do as I
do? when didst thou see me heave up my leg and make
water against a gentlewoman's farthingale? didst
thou ever see me do such a trick?
          --William Shakespeare, Two Gentleman of Verona, Act 4, Scene IV


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Peter

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Reply with quote  #9 

Funnily enough, and no Shakespeare scholar I, that's the second day running I read that. It was given on another site as an early example of how Shakespeare empowers minor characters so that they take on life and rudely thrust themselves into the action. After all, they're not supposed to know they're minor characters, they would think it was all about them, as we all do. This person is a servant who just bursts forth with this very humorous monologue to a dog who isn't even there.

KYMonarchist

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Reply with quote  #10 
On Questons to Ask the City Government

What is Oprah Winfrey's phone number?

How many minutes do I have left on my cell phone?

Who won American Idol?

Is Ray Charles Stevie Wonder's uncle?

questions asked of 311, New York City's nonemergency help line

I got this from my Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar

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"Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - George Santayana
ProudCanadian

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Reply with quote  #11 
My friend posted this on another forum:

Quote:
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

KYMonarchist

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Reply with quote  #12 
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~sharptongue/hksubs.html

A list of absolutely hilarious Hong Kong kung fu movie subtitles. Here's more:

http://www.texaschapbookpress.com/magellanslog50/subtitles.htm

http://ninjaburger.com/fun/creativity/quotes.shtml

Enjoy.

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"Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - George Santayana
KYMonarchist

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Reply with quote  #13 
On This Day No Soup for Us
 
SOUP

The week beats the fish soup

The chicken hates the soup of

That day a soup

menu items, China

I got this from my Stupidest things Ever Said calendar.

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"Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - George Santayana
ProudCanadian

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Reply with quote  #14 

What?

ProudCanadian

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Reply with quote  #15 
Are They Smarter Than Fifth Graders (or anyone for that matter)?
 
I think not.
 
 
 
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