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Ponocrates

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It continues:

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
 


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Queenslander

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Reply with quote  #2 
I for one would like to see this happen with immediate effect. Canada might have to swap the way they drive as a result, but small sacrifices for the greater good.
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Peter

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Reply with quote  #3 
The suffix -ize is not as such an American usage. Many British publications insist on and use it, as it is both etymologically and phonetically more correct than -ise. In fact most words that end that way can be spelled with either suffix in both American and British English, it's just that -ize is more common in the former and -ise in the latter. Most words, and I always use -ise simply because there are no words where -ise is incorrect and there are some where -ize is, e.g. advertise. Sticking to -ise saves me the trouble of having to remember the exceptions.

That apart, American spelling is indeed an abomination and should be outlawed in favour of the much more etymologically correct British forms. The manifesto I have seen many times before; the first time was as a commentary on the Bush-Gore election mess, but it's probably older than that. Still, it's always worth trotting out again and remains amusing.
Thasiloron

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I thought it was Kansas that Her Majesty did not fancy...?
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AugieDoggie

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Reply with quote  #5 
Well, that "message" was a bit radical for my views--and I definitely don't think the Queen would go that far. Still, a glorious yet entertaining vision.
Wessexman

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peter
The suffix -ize is not as such an American usage. Many British publications insist on and use it, as it is both etymologically and phonetically more correct than -ise. In fact most words that end that way can be spelled with either suffix in both American and British English, it's just that -ize is more common in the former and -ise in the latter. Most words, and I always use -ise simply because there are no words where -ise is incorrect and there are some where -ize is, e.g. advertise. Sticking to -ise saves me the trouble of having to remember the exceptions.

That apart, American spelling is indeed an abomination and should be outlawed in favour of the much more etymologically correct British forms. The manifesto I have seen many times before; the first time was as a commentary on the Bush-Gore election mess, but it's probably older than that. Still, it's always worth trotting out again and remains amusing.


It is unfortunate that it is the American spelling that is spreading in those areas where British English is dominant, and not the other way around. In Australia, even since I have been here, you see more and more American spellings and terms. When I came here no one called a lift an elevator, now I often here that word used. It takes a great deal of will power not to comment on all newspaper articles I see that use the word jail instead of the proper spelling, gaol.

Anyway, interesting facebook post, although it could have done without the clich├ęd anti-gun references.
NeasOlc

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I take it the writer is unaware that baseball is played in Japan, Korea and many places in the Caribbean and South America, and that it originated in South Wales and nearby English counties, where an archaic version of it is still played to this day. [smile]

Also, this: 

Wessexman

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Nah, cricket is a hundred times better than basebell: and I mean real cricket, test cricket. The Op is right. I thought the making fun of the Commonwealth Games by Americans, who have a world series for a game popular in the U.S and Japan almost alone, was hilariously ironic. 

 Cricket even has probably the greatest sportsman ever:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Bradman


BrutusEtCaesar

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Reply with quote  #9 

The guns thing is funny, but that is one thing I do not like. I know guns-right is a big republican libertarian thing, but it's really not anti-royalist or even British. It's liberal Marxist nonsense or what you will, which is republican and to use an over-used word, fascist. But this is funny nevertheless the whole thing. We do not have to drive on the left side, as Canadians do not. It would make border stations more complicated.

Others

The Capitol shall now be called The House of Commons.

The White House shall henceforth be called The Governor's Palace.

The Washington Monument may be demolished depending on whether Her Majesty feels it is prudent.

The Statue of Liberty shall be replaced with a statue of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

Episcopalians shall now call themselves Anglicans.

 


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Of all Caesar's murderers was Marcus Brutus just. Marcus Brutus was a true hero of liberty and sincere, Plutarch saying that only he was free of personal or passionate motivations. He acted for liberty alone. But it was murder and they kept the noble Cicero out of the conspiracy because they knew he would think it unjust to kill a Roman, even a tyrant, without a trial. It would be unlawful. The fall of the Republic was tragic, but divine. The Empire rose because God willed Constantine to bring the Roman people to Christianity. Only a monarch could do that. Even Plutarch, who seems a republican, admits that a monarchy was the divine will. The murder, however noble it was in Brutus heart, was still murder and a most heinous species of murder because of its nature.
Wessexman

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Guns are an interesting issue. I can see both sides, it is just I don't much like the left-liberal position that acts as if it is obvious the Americans are wrong about guns and has nothing but contempt for them on the issue.

As a conservative, I am a little uneasy about the government overreach inherent in the gun control agenda. And I'm somewhat sceptical of many of that movement's arguments, though that does not mean I endorse the most strident belief in the right to bear arms. Even Russell Kirk mocked gun rights extremists who would brook no limits on their rights. 

But, on the other hand, America does seem to have much higher gun crime and gun violence than nations like Britain and Australia. I remember watching an American news show where someone defending gun rights was implying private citizens need them because you have to assume many burglars and house robbers will be armed. In Britain and Australia you precisely don't have to assume that. It would rare for them to be armed with a gun.

Ponocrates

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The main reason for gun rights in the US is a check on the tyranny of government and the idea that a free citizenry is an armed citizenry.   Also many ancient authors who influenced the Founders argued that the participants of a regime (even in a monarchy) had the privilege of owning arms, while what distinguishes a tyranny is that all the subjects, excepts for the henchmen, were disarmed and their weapons confiscated.  

The prevention of crime is an afterthought and wasn't part of the founder's original intent.  

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NeasOlc

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wessexman
Nah, cricket is a hundred times better than basebell: and I mean real cricket, test cricket. The Op is right. I thought the making fun of the Commonwealth Games by Americans, who have a world series for a game popular in the U.S and Japan almost alone, was hilariously ironic. 

 Cricket even has probably the greatest sportsman ever:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Bradman



I wasn't talking about cricket, I was talking about this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_baseball

I actually remember stumbling across a baseball club's grounds while in Wales, it was quite a surprise.
House_of_Luxembourg

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Reply with quote  #13 
I like cricket and baseball. Both are great sports. Cricket is more offensive, baseball defensive.
I've never understood why some people(not referring to anyone here, but let's say, over on youtube, for instance) get into major arguments/flame wars about which one is superior.
It's even funnier if it's about rugby(which btw is really the love of my life) vs. American "football"(which is basically throwball(yeah, watch the announcer go crazy over Doug Flutie's drop kick, and I am thinking, but that happens all the time in rugby)).



But anyway, yeah, in my dreams, there would be at least three monarchies in what we call the US:
Spain, France, the United Kingdom. We mustn't be too discouraged though.
Remember that the US is the first non-European power to be a global power. Any that has colonial origins will ultimately, hopefully, revert back to some form of commonwealth or something similar eventually. I realise that that seem exceedingly unlikely, but I think that at some point or another it is bound to happen.

Europe can change very quickly, and the US's stated future naval strategy is moving east to focus more on the Indian Ocean. This may open up opportunities for the UK to expand their navy and gain bigger influence in the Atlantic(I hope so, though I won't hold my breath, as iirc it is actually declining). And if you look at Spain, Norway, Sweden, Denmark(all of which have pretty good navies), things look somewhat encouraging fr the future. We need to what we can to preserve the monarchies we already have. Just think about how different it was just a hundred years ago(and thousands of years prior, monarchies virtually everywhere), and what it may look like a hundred years from now. For monarchists, I think it is a very bright future.

I hope I am right.

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